Been a very hectic week and I have gotten nothing done. It’s very hard to feel like a writer when you don’t have time to practice – and it’s something that makes blogging a lot harder too. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels here a bit because I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to show different styles of writing or even talk about a lot of the things that I wanted to.
Remember that book that I was going to review for you guys that I posted on Instagram about – yeah, I’ve read about 50 pages of it… that was three weeks ago.
People always say that if something is important then you will make time for it. Is that really true though? Can you always make time for something that you want to do?
This is a small list of the things that keep me from making time to write:
- Sleep (or the want to sleep)
- Being tired
- Not having Ace anymore
- WORK WORK WORK
These are in no specific order, but there is an underlying cause to why I am not the best person at sticking to my guns about trying to write 500 words a day.
This brings up another question – is something like writing worth tearing down part of your life? What about family? What if you aren’t becoming the person you always wanted to be? What if you aren’t even someone that you like right now? Is that worth a gamble? Is that worth starting over?
Is it worth it if you aren’t happy?
I came to the startling realization this week that I have been really unhappy for a fairly long time. My job was only part of it. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and allowed myself to be manipulated into doing things for others. This week it became painfully evident how little I meant to one of the managers that I work with. I cleaned up a mess with a customer that never should have been a problem to begin with, but this manager sat in lobby and didn’t help for a second while I got screamed at for thirty minutes for something that was his fault. I protected my crew and my customers at the expense of being torn apart from my intelligence to my physical appearance.
So what was stopping me from seeing what was happening? I believe it was because I thought that I was helping a store that needed my help. I bend over backwards for the people I work with only to have it thrown back in my face because they aren’t pleased with how I handle something.
What did this leave me with? A tired disposition all the time, no energy to give to the items or people that need it, and a broken look at the people who I dedicated four years to.
Was destroying part of my life completely worth gaining back happiness? Absolutely.
My job had been my life – and it wasn’t even the thing that I wanted to do. It was just a filler until I got the job I go to school for. Meaning the real thing that had been tearing me down and holding me back, was me.
I allowed myself to not have the energy to write by working more than neccisary
I opened myself up to being unhappy by giving everything to a job where I wouldn’t receive the same. I often gave more energy than our GM.
Sometimes there are things that you have to change in order to get what you want out of life. I wasn’t and am not getting that out of my job that I hold now. I don’t have another job lined up after the 13th as of yet, but I am looking.
Tear apart other sections of your life if it means that you can rebuild them to look and act the way that you want them to be and become the kind of writer, sister, brother – whatever you want – that you need to be.
I really hope that there is never a need to quit your job in order to make time to do things, but for me it was a necessity. I haven’t worked on grad school stuff in 3 weeks because of not having any energy. That’s messing with my future. Don’t let anyone take a hold of your future. If it’s in writing, then grab it. If it’s school, don’t let yourself become trapped in what you’re doing because it’s more convenient for them.
You all probably think that I’m a people pleaser, but I’m not. I just hate to disappoint people. It gives me severe anxiety. Especially when I’m working with family.
Making time for anything sucks. Sometimes it’s even harder for writing since it takes so long and rarely makes the impact that you want it to. So what? Do you quit? Do you become a full time writer? What do you do? I have no idea. I’m still trying to figure it out. I’ll probably never get it right, but at least I’m finally doing something to take charge of my future.
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Till the next chapter,